The following is an excerpt from the latest Rio Vista Patrol log.  The full logs can be read here.


1600    I have been a policeman for 31 years and I have seen my share of some pretty amazing things, however; with that said today was a first for me.  I am traveling on SE 9 Ave when I observed a golf cart with a large leather sofa mounted onto its roof??  As ridiculous as it looked, I enjoy a good resting sofa as much as anyone and I absolutely love to play golf so the entire concept of this combo had me deeply intrigued.

            As I turned around to follow the “lazy boy on wheels” it turned immediately onto SE 10 Street and disappeared out of my view for a few moments.  As I also turned onto SE 10 Street, I immediately noticed the golf cart was now neatly parked in a driveway with the sofa still firmly attached to its roof. The cart, however; now lacked the four young male occupants which were originally viewed nestled under the shade of this massive lounger.

  Sensing something was truly amiss I stopped my vehicle and exited to properly investigate the situation further.  Upon closer examination I observed four young gents sheepishly stepping out from their crouched positions behind a covey of sweet smelling sun drenched trash dumpsters.  They attempted to explain to me in a confused unison the innocence of their plan concerning this awesome sofa, which incidentally did not include any references to the entire dumpster sniffing chapter but nonetheless they came clean which is clearly just a metaphor at this point.

            These boys felt so proud of their collected treasure they just couldn’t resist taking it for a demonstration spin around the neighborhood which eventually led to meeting me, Officer Buzz-kill.  I nearly bit a hole in my lip to suppress the grin that I could feel rapidly spreading across my entire face, it was explained to me that one of the lads actually believed his mother would thoroughly enjoy this fine sofa in her yard.  Since it had been tossed out as trash by someone who clearly didn’t embrace the value of its prolonged ownership and had not yet experienced the vast enjoyment found in an indoor/outdoor leather couch; they decided to claim stake of ownership in the bounty of the over stuffed synthetic cow.

            Knowing the consequences of crossing into my own mother’s ire on a rare occasion or two in my youth, I considered this may not work out quite as well as these chaps as they had planned.  Not to be overly critical their booty, the sofa appeared to have passed its prime some time ago, actually a long time ago and it had been quite ravaged in the process.  Further questioning developed leads which indicated the actual truth of the matter was the lad in question believed he would love to have this fine piece of furniture in his yard and mother may or possibly may not approve of it when she came home from work later today.

            It was explained in detail by the group they had formulated a plan by which they all believed they held the upper hand in this situation.  They stated once the monstrosity was actually in the yard what could mother really do then? (Unable to control myself any longer I laughed out loud for a just a brief instance)

My mind raced to my childhood when I too felt for a just fleeting moment that I was on the big end of the stick concerning battling wits with my parents.  Only to learn later I was basically unarmed in that department and I truly suffered from the blissful illusions of my ignorant youth.

My mother would not curse when she was about to express her extreme displeasure.  Yeah, that would have been nice actually. Any type of preliminary warning that could have possibly triggered my instincts to run would have been nice.  Rather she would calmly turn different shades of red and purple, much like a volcano at sundown. 

By then it was too late to survive the impending doom which was about to be unleashed from places I did not know even existed.  Her body would quiver uncontrollably like a jellyfish being hit with stun gun and I would pray for any divine intervention such as the surprise arrival of the Avon lady, a life saving phone call or anything which may give me a fleeting opportunity continue breathing. 

If you can imagine the combination between grizzly bear awakened in mid-hibernation and a ninja warrior jacked up on steroids then you have met my mother when she was provoked to her limits with one of my not too well thought out juvenile decisions.

All of which would unsympathetically be played out once again when she would demand that I tell my exhausted, hot, hungry and usually grumpy father what I had done the minute he walked into the front door from work at the factory  She demonstrated absolutely no sense of humor here.    

Anyway back to today…..Feeling pity for my younger brothers and hoping to save them the mental traumatizing effects of having that special can opened up on them; I attempted to reason with their intellect.  The absence of which explains why this old leather couch was atop of the golf cart in the first place and brings us right back to square one.  Good-luck fellows, hopefully you’ll laugh about it years from now.   J